Responding to People in Grief
People often try to confront grieving people with inappropriate comments coming from one owns discomfort, awkwardness, and fear. These are thingsNOT TO SAY:
| -I know just how you are feeling. | -Time will make it better. | -Boy, that was really fast. |
| -You have to be strong. | -You are doing so well. | -Smile. It could be worse. |
| - You are lucky you had children. | -It was God’s will. | -It is time to get on with your life. |
| -At least he/she went fast. | -Keep busy-you will forget. | -She/He was so sick-it is good it is over. |
| -Do not cry- it will be over soon. | -This happened for the best. | -Oh, but you have such good memories. |
| -It must be a terrible blow. | -Are you over the worst of it? | -I know how you feel; when I went through . . . |
| -It must be a relief not to have to get up every hour at night anymore. | -You are too young to be a widow. | |
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-To a partner:
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-At least you had twenty good years with them. |
| -Aren’t you glad you did not marry them? | |
| -You will marry again. | |
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-To a parent:
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-You still have one child. Be thankful for what you have. |
| -Now you have an angel in heaven. | |
| -You can have another child. | |
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-Pregnancy/infant loss:
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-You are lucky; it might not have been normal. |
| -Do not be so down, it is not as though you lost a child. | |
| -At least you did not have to bring it home or get to know the baby. |
There are simple ways to respond that show the person you care and will be there to support them. These are things TO SAY:
-I am sorry for your loss.
-Is there any specific way I can help you right now?
-I cannot even imagine how much you are hurting.
-Can I call you and checking with you every so often? (Do not expect them to remember to call you.)
-I promise I will be here for you. (Only say if you can be there.)
-Would you like to talk about it? I want to hear what you have to say.
-It is OK with me if you cry. (Show emotion.)
-If a grieving person asks, “Why did this happen?” It is best to answer, “I do not know.”
- Just reaching out a hand, being there in silence, and letting them have their feelings is helpful.
- Sometimes just sitting with someone without having to say anything is the greatest gift you can give a grieving person.
- Do not stop trying to make contact over the months, unless they CLEARLY ask you to, they will appreciate your care even if they cannot take you up on it yet.
- Sometimes it takes weeks or months before a grieving person is able to reach out for help.
This information came from HospiceCare of Boulder and Broomfield County. Phone: 303-449-7740, info@hospicecareonline.org, www.hospicecareonline.org.
